I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
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Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme![]()
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
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When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.