I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
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To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
the simulation is moving too fast
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time