*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
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my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.