Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
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Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
That de-escalated quickly
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.