Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
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iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
This classic never gets old . . .
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.