me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
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I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist