my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
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Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath