The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
You Might Also Like
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information