I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
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Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*