I asked which vaccine she gotπππ
You Might Also Like
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called βWhy You Will Marry the Wrong Person.β
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure Iβll just take my chances.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if youβre seeing thisβ¦ youβre uglyβ¦ nobody wants you. Iβm sorry you had to find out this way.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Siri, fight Alexa.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*naked in boots*
Omg Iβm gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.β
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.