When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
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I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND