Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
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[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*