It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
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luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
Shoo shoo! 😂