YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
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when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*