Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
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twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.