Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
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The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what