“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
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BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.