Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
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Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
fly smarter, not harder
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”