Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
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I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.