Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
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It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
This is so me 😂😂
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it