my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
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with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Put a ring on it
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait