Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
You Might Also Like
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.