nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
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I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts