Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

[first day as an undercover cop]

mobster: are you wearing a wire

guy in my earpiece: say no

me: they said to tell you no

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

[Wedding night]

Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this

New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room

Me: Am I? *winks forever*

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower

“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders

[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]

Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”

*thief runs by, steals gold*

“Hey! You!”

Au, got it. Next element.

The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.

The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.

When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?

Vampire: I don’t.

Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-

Vampire: also no.

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray

Dermatologist: you really need some sun

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.