Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
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Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
SPLOOT
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?