Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
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On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
This is what makes twitter great
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The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I have so many questions.
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Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine