[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
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Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older