Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
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“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
bury ourselves
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy