[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
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With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?