My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
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Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
So we got a goldfish…
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Me driving through Toronto
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.