Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
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Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
LMAO
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.