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The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..