Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
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Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Had an epiphany today.