Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
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If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I’m calling the cops.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
#math
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.