People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
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“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.