If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
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If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.