Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
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Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”