Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
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They got Raph!
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Last-minute gift idea!
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.