POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
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Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Hell yeah 👍
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
#growingpains
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…