You Might Also Like
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer