[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
You Might Also Like
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.