Bartenders are just boneless bars
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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Probably my best painting.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.