@BabouDali

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

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@sirivan

Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.

He spends all day chilling in the water.

His life is one big pool party.

@PerfectPending

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

@RobDenBleyker

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

@cocainepoops

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

@CynicalTherapi1

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

@3sunzzz

My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.

@samalmightysam

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.