Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
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20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family