Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Somebody call the cops.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor