Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
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If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.