How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
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Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
My plans: 2020:
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.