I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
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Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
The little toadstool has spoken.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Perfect
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa