I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
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“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
fly smarter, not harder
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist