A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
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If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
never compromise your values
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Just a phase…
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?