If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
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As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.