Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
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I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
This is my brand.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!