Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
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I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”